It’s a challenging task to go to the places you have always been, doing the things that you have always done, and to feel completely changed, completely renewed. This week has been a fast one. I got home at 6am on Monday from training camp and to set the pace for the week, I went off to work for ten hours at 8am. God showed up in my life in huge ways last week. He changed me more than I thought I needed to change, gave me more to learn about than I had imagined and I feel like every word out of my mouth should somehow resemble the life He ignited inside me. Instead I have just been thinking, again. Thinking the way I do on summer afternoons when I have the chance to just be. Not to act, not to perform, not to work, not to save, but just to be. To be a daughter of the King of Kings, Lord of Lords and to just lay there listening to the birds sing and see the weeds sway, a lawnmower in the distance, a car driving by, clouds arranging themselves messily along the horizon.

     I just keep dazing off into those moments. Those ‘where am I in this universe’ moments that forcefully tug at your mind and strive to make it discontented with the way that you know the things you think you know. In this society I am a maniputable market, a part of a falsified workforce, I am measured by accomplishments and failures, but let’s be real, nobody cares. If other people posses care for their fellow being’s accomplishments that I am yet to discover for myself, the way that we live our lives would make more sense, to me, anyways. At training camp I realized for real that I need to follow my heart, not my head. We kept talking about how if God is as big as He says He is, He better not fit inside our heads.

     I just can’t determine exactly how to integrate my heart into everyday life. It speaks, truly, and I know that God wants to use our hearts to drive us to speak truth and life and to act with compassion and love, love that doesn’t necessarily make sense. I want to be able to look back at my life when I am old and say that I lived purposefully. I don’t care if I won awards or saved lives or looked strong or wise. I think I’ll want to know that I followed my heart, my God, and lived to every extent that He wants me to. I will never settle for living to survive, I will never settle for living to be comfortable, I will never settle for living to impress, to appease or because I am uncertain of what would happen if I died. I want to know that my soul sought truth, that my mind sought faith and that my actions were not stagnant but vivid and of the Lord. It’s easy to write, but it’s hard to integrate into a daily schedule or a list of goals or to dos, but I think that we are called to put everything aside to live by heart, however that may look.